19 things from this 19th year.

As my final days of a true teen are coming to a close, my natural tendency toward introspection is through the roof. I'm not usually this sentimental, but there is something a little jarring about beginning a whole new decade of life. As a new chapter is preparing to take off, whether I like it or not another is finding closure. Although on the surface there certainly seems to be nothing monumental about 19, it definitely did a number on me. I'm an avid writer (and by that I mean I fiendishly fill up journals with rambling half formed thoughts) so each February I take time to go read over the past year. Sometimes it's a hot mess, and I just want to go knock some sense into my self of months past. However, there is something pretty empowering about seeing the progression of your own mental state. It's also pretty cool to see in hindsight the way that God works and resolves even when it seems that He is silent. So on that note, here are 19 thoughts from my 19th year.

1) Family really are the ones who will always be there

2) It's ok to be vulnerable and show weakness. Let others care for you.

3) Truth trumps emotion

4) It is possible to speak out without being obnoxious

5) I and my perceptions may change but God does not

6) There is indeed such a thing as too much coffee

7) Those with differing perspectives from my own hold infinite value

8) Whatever unfolds HE is always good, and I am always loved

9) No matter what, joy can be found and thanks can be given

10) Love must be active and acted out, not just spoken

11) My skills and talents hold value. Embrace them, don't compare

12) Busyness does not always equal productivity. Don't use it to mask emptiness. 

13) His blood was shed for my freedom, not deliverance. It's time to let go of the old creation and live in the fullness of Christ. 

14) To press onwards in faith and see His promises at work, I have to believe in the truth of the word and not in my own circumstances or lies of the past. 

15) Time spent communing and seeking his presence is time well spent

16) A life of freedom means that I have a responsibility to proclaim freedom to the captives and speak out against injustice

17) It's ok to still love adventures. 

18) If I am going to say "Your will, Your way" I have to actually mean it. 

19) Rest and fullness of joy can only be found in His presence and His presence can be found anywhere. Even if called to a quite, simple life I must be content. Happiness should not depend on location or circumstance.

 Here's hoping that in this next year I travel a little, grow a lot, have some adventures and learn how to surf. Cheers to 20.

It's time to leave the wilderness

Sisters, 

Galatians 5:1 says, 

"It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."

We have been set free to live a life of freedom, not just a life of deliverance. A trip that should have taken the Israelites 11 days to complete, stretched to 40 years because of their fear and grumbling and complaining. The wilderness was just deliverance, Canaan was the Promised Land and freedom. He is ready to do a new thing, but do we perceive it?

Just as the new generation of Israelites had to pay the price of admittance into the promised land, so must we. It is time to lay aside the weights and sins that so easily ensnare because there are promises to be claimed. There is a full life, a fullness of Christ that is waiting to be received. Let's lay aside gossip and slander and envy and jealousy and comparison and self doubt. Let's become a generation of women who love one another and spur each other on.

Why live in the wilderness when you can live in the promised land? We are new creations, bought through the potency of his blood. It time to take up the responsibility of freedom. It is time to stop circling Mount Sinai, become filled with the spirit, abide in His truth and embrace the new creation. Both in ourselves, and in others. Let's step aside and let God be God. Let's move forward in faith and see the promises of God at work. Let's trust in the truth of the word and not in our own circumstances. Let's embrace a God who does so much more than what we ask or imagine or think. Let's leave the wilderness and live in freedom. 

Eucharisteo: Thanks in ALL things.

Dear readers,

Firstly, a few disclaimers…

1) I am by no means an accomplished writer. I don't get grammar…commas are my worst enemy, I write like I speak…my apologies. I am simply a hard core internal processor, and often find that the only way I can sort things out is through art or writing. I journal like a fiend but was recently challenged to try blogging…so here goes. 

2) Please do not interpret this collection of thoughts as any attempt to self promote. Quite the contrary. If you do make it through these ramblings, all the glory to the giver of every good and perfect gift. Through these thoughts I pray that my beloved receives all the praise. This is simply a story of his faithfulness to heal, even in areas that I didn't always know where broken. 

This story really begins 19 years ago, but since I didn't make that connection till later I'll start at a couple months back…. 

So I go to this school and they have this thing called flex, and every semester I feel this pressure to spend it in some worthwhile way. Well, I'm a hoarder of books so I thought, ok, I'll buy like 12 books at the campus book store. Perfect. One that ended up finding a home on my shelf is called 1000 Gifts. I'd heard a lot of great things about it, so after a couple weeks I opened to chapter 1 and was immediately captivated. The writer introduces a kind of radical gratitude. Not the Sunday school thanksgiving of "I love my mom, I love my dog, I love my home," but something much deeper. 

Within the first couple chapters, the author goes into valid points such as, wherever you are be all there, don't waste your life in a busyness that misses the good gifts, etc. She also shares that she committed to creating a list of 1000 things she is thankful for. I think, hey that makes sense. So I begin jotting down these small things throughout the day and it's true, my eyes open and it seems gifts are all around. Then she introduces a study of the greek word, Eucharisteo. Composed of three separate Greek words, you have an English breakdown of Grace, Thanksgiving and Joy. This is where the book becomes a bit more difficult. You start broaching that uncomfortable place of having joy even amidst the storm. Praising a good God even when his gifts don't seem like gifts… or good. We read in Isaiah 14:24 that He is responsible for everything. Everything. How can this be when we are surrounded by tragedy and pain and suffering and loss every day? How can I have joy in those areas of my life that I'd prefer to not think about at all? How do I have thanksgiving when I feel like I'm being punished?

This week I journeyed into chapter 5, and was confronted head on with that concept of joy in pain. Not just adding to my list the gifts I see, but also the trials. Legitimately thanking God for that which hurts. Recognizing that this pain is still his grace. Wait…What? I understood on a surface level what this means, but let's be honest in reality it makes no sense. 

Consider these words from Julian of Norwich, "See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything. See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally. See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began, by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it. How can anything be amiss?"

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord" - Job 1:21

"Always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" - Ephesians 5:20

ALL THINGS

Thanks in the giving, but also in the taking away

Evil is all in our perspective. In the way we see. "Surely just as I have intended so it has happened, and just as I have planned so it will stand" - Isaiah 14:24. If all he makes is good, and all is according to his plan, could it be that those things which seem against his will are actually used by him to accomplish that will? Could it be to bring him glory? He tells us that he works all things for the good of those who love him. Even the taking away is ultimately for our GOOD! He wounds, and he heals and it is for our good. His plans are not our plans, and his ways not our ways. It is all perspective. Do I really deserve anything? Do I deserve any grace, any salvation, any gifts at all? If I see that God is not in my debt but I in his, wouldn't everything become a gift?

Wow. Ok this is good. I read these words I have just written and feel I have stumbled upon some epiphany. Some key to a full life in Christ. But can I really apply this to myself? Truly give thanks for those things, especially those past things, that caused such pain? 

19 years ago I was adopted. Now don't get confused, this is not the pain part. My adoptive parents are wonderful, and I don't deserve them. However, I have lived anything but a thankful life towards my birthfather. I have always know that my birthmother placed me for adoption because she loved me, and wanted the kind of life for me that she couldn't give. As I grew into middle school what became cloudy was why my birthfather so easily gave me up without so much as a second look back. The enemy that comes to kill, steal and destroy fed me lies for years, and I let him. By the time I was in high school I was drowning beneath a hurt and guilt that I never expressed. Confusion grew into feelings of abandonment and a fear that I could never be truly accepted. A fear that no one could ever love me so well that they would stick around. Why did he never try to find me? Didn't he wonder about me at all? Why wasn't I good enough rang continually in my ears. The guilt came from the fact that I have these amazing parents who gave me literally everything I could ever hope for. A dad that is the most incredible man I have ever known, and never once let me down. I hated that I couldn't just sort myself out and move on with my life. Couldn't live a life full of joy and untainted by bitterness and anger. What resulted was a life of trying to measure up. A life of maybe if I am the smartest, and the best dressed, and score the most goals in soccer, and never crack, and never screw up, and always, always hold it together, then I can measure up. Maybe I will no longer need the approval of some person who is simply an idea. 

Through last year and even more recently God has done so much in my life in the way of forgiveness.  I didn't even fully identify where my feelings came from until after I graduated. The Lord has done a lot of healing, and exposed and rid my heart of so many lies. But what 1000 gifts has made me realize is that I still don't have the right attitude towards my birthfather. Yes I technically forgave him... I no longer feel bitter. But  in my mind forgiveness meant, "ok I'm not mad at you anymore but just get out of my life." I'm certainly not going to wish you well, actually I'm not going to think about you at all. And if I do happen to think about you am I going to have joy? Thank God for you? heck.to.the.no. OK, clearly the wrong attitude. What I see now is that God deserves my genuine joy and thanksgiving even in things such as these. Even in those years of pain and inadequacy and confusion. He so clearly works all things for my good, because I so easily could not have had the family I have. Could never have been raised how I was raised. Might never even know the faithfulness and love of my Saviour. Certainly would not be attending the school I am now…definitely would not have the same life plans and desires. See it's all in perspective. Even before I was born he was Sovereign. Even when his plans are not my plans and his ways not my ways, HE IS STILL GOOD. How could I not strive for Eucharisteo? How could I not look at every single thing that has happened in my life, both good and bad, and give thanks? All is grace. All is Eucharisteo because we serve a God who taught us how to take pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fills all emptiness. A joy that can fill any abandonment or hurt I could ever feel. 

 "See now that I, I am He, and there is no God besides ME; It is I who put to death and give life. I have wounded and it is I who heal" - Deuteronomy 32:39

-Grace